BUBBA AND CLEM
Bubba and Clem found three hand grenades and they decided that they better take them to the police station.
"What if one of them explodes before we get there?" asks Clem.
"Don't worry about it," says Bubba. "We'll just lie and tell them we only found two."
Trouble For The SWAT Team
The murderer was holed up in his house, and the SWAT team was trying to get him out.
A cop got on the bullhorn and said, "Come on out, or I'm going to come in there and drag you out!"
The murderer called back, "I'm warning you. If you don't wipe your feet when you come in, my wife'll kill us both!"
(Groaner)
REPEAT SERVICE
A police officer pulled a young woman over for speeding and politely asked to see her license. "Why don't you cops get your act together," she said in a huff. "Yesterday you take my license away, and now today you expect me to show it to you!"
QUICK WIT
A woman was caught for speeding and told to pull over to the side of the road.
Realizing she didn't have her seat belt on, as soon as she stopped she quickly buckled up before the officer reached her window.
After lecturing her about speeding, the cop said, "I noticed you are wearing your seat belt. Do you believe in wearing it at all times?"
"Most definitely, officer," she replied.
"I see," said the cop, "and do you always wear it looped through the steering wheel?"
TRAFFIC STOP
A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:
Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.
Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.
Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
Driver: Yes, sir.
Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:
Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is. (It was valid).
Captain: Who's car is this?
Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner's card. (The driver owned the car).
Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?
Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.
Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.
Driver: No problem. (Trunk is opened; no body).
Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove box, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.
Driver: Oh Yeah, I'll bet the liar told you I was speeding, too!!!!
THE PISTOL RANGE
Ernie, not the brightest rookie at the police academy, was at the pistol range. He was given some instruction, a pistol, and bullets. He fired several shots at the target.
The report came from the target area that all attempts had completely missed the target.
Ernie looked at his weapon and then at the target again. He looked at the pistol again, and then at the target again. He put his finger over the end of the gun barrel and squeezed the trigger with his other hand.
The end of his finger was blown off, where upon he yelled toward the target area: "It's leaving here just fine. The trouble must be at your end!"
WARNING TICKET
"How long have you been driving without a tail light, buddy?" demanded the policeman.
The driver jumped out, ran to the rear of his car, and gave a low moan. His distress was so great that the cop was moved to ease up on him a bit.
"Aw, come now," he said, "you don't have to take it so hard. It isn't that serious."
"It isn't?" cried the motorist. "What happened to my boat and trailer?"
MISSING PERSON REPORT
A woman took her next-door neighbor with her when she went to the police station to report her husband was missing.
"Could you give me a description of your husband ma'am." the officer asked.
"He's 35 years old, 6 foot 2, weighs approximately 190 pounds, has a very athletic build, gorgeous blue eyes, dark hair, is very soft spoken and wonderful with the children." the woman replied.
"Wait a minute!" the neighbor protested. "Your husband is 5 foot 4, bald, fat, has brown eyes, a very big mouth and is mean to your children."
"Yes, but who wants HIM back?" the woman said.
THE GAME WARDEN
After a day fishing in the ocean a fisherman is walking from the pier carrying two lobsters in a bucket. He is approached by the Game Warden who asks him for his fishing license. Not having one the fisherman says to the warden, "I did not catch these lobsters, they are my pets. Every day I come down to the water and whistle and these lobsters jump out and I take them for a walk only to return them at the end of the day."
The warden, not believing him, reminds him that it is illegal to fish without a license.
The fisherman turns to the warden and says, "If you don't believe me then watch," as he throws the lobsters back into the water.
The warden says, "Now whistle to your lobsters and show me that they will come out of the water."
The fisherman turns to the warden and says, "What lobsters?"
GO AWAY
A veteran officer with 18 years is running radar on a main street of a rural town. Along comes a young driver in a brand new sports car going 48 mph in a 30 mph zone. The officer stops the young man and explains the violation.
The driver becomes belligerent telling the officer his badge did not mean a thing. The young driver tells the officer to go ahead and write the ticket because his father knows people that will make the ticket "go away".
While the officer completes the ticket the young driver continues his barrage of insults.
Without flinching the officer completes the ticket and hands the young driver his copies.
The driver looks at his copies and becomes very agitated. The driver said, "What do you think you are doing!?! I thought you said I was doing 48 in a 30. You wrote 88 in a 30?"
The officer, without hesitating said, "48, 88, what's the difference? Your dad is going to make it go away anyway."
The Motorcycle Cop I Met The Other Day
I went to the store the other day. I was only in there for about 5 minutes, and when I came out there was a motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?"
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil-necked-geek.
He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having bald tires! So I called him a horse's behind.
He finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first... then started writing a third ticket!
This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't care, my car was parked around the corner.
BUBBA
Bubba was at the police station explaining to the officer why his cousin shot him.
"We wuz havin' us a real good time drinkin'," he explained, "when my cousin Billy Bob picked up his rifle and asked us fellas if we wanna go a huntin'."
"Okay," then what happened?" the officer asked.
"That's when I stood up and said, 'Sure. I'm game'!"
SERIAL KILLER
Two police officers respond to a crime scene behind a grocery store. The homicide detective is already there.
"What happened?" asks the first officer.
"Male, about twenty-five, covered in Raisin Bran and dead as a doornail."
"Good grief," says the second officer. "Didn't we have one covered in Frosted Flakes yesterday? And Captain Crunch last week?"
"You're right" said the detective, "I'm afraid this is the work of a cereal killer."
(Groaner)
DUI
One night a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible DUI violations. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. The man sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes.
Meanwhile, all the other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. As soon as he pulled onto the street, the officer stopped him, read him his rights and administered the breathalyzer test to determine his blood-alcohol content.
The results showed a reading of 0.0.
The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."
Deputy Gomer
The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so Gomer - who was not exactly the sharpest nail in the bucket went in to try out for the job.
"Okay," the sheriff drawled, "Gomer, what is 1 and 1?"
"11" he replied.
The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant, but he's right."
"What two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?"
"Today and tomorrow."
He was again surprised that Gomer supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself.
"Now Gomer, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?"
Gomer looked a little surprised himself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, "I don't know."
"Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?"
So, Gomer wandered over to the pool hall where his pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview. Gomer was exultant.
"It went great! First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"
What do you call a clairvoyant midget who escaped from prison?
A small medium at large.
Bubba & Earl
Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud.
The passenger, Bubba, said "Lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it's a police roadblock!! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!!"
"Don't worry, Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers then peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat."
"What fer?", asked Bubba.
"Just let me do the talkin', OK?," said Earl.
Well, they finished their beers, threw the empties out of sight & put label on each of their foreheads.
When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "You boys been drinkin'?"
"No, sir," said Earl while pointing at the labels. "We're on the patch."
THE WORLD'S WORST COP JOKE
Quasimodo, the demented bell ringer of Notre Dame, put an ad in the papers for a assistant bell ringer.
One man applied for the job but he had no arms.
"How are you going to assist me?" asked Quasimodo.
"That's easy!" replied the man and he ran at the bell and banged it with his head.
BONG!!!
"That's amazing!" said Quasimodo. "Could you show me that again?"
"Sure!" said the man and he ran at the bell again but he missed the swinging bell and fell out of the bell tower. A crowd huddled around the hapless man lying in the street and a police office asked, "Does anyone know who he is?"
Quasimodo came out and said...
"I DON'T KNOW HIS NAME, BUT HIS FACE SURE RINGS A BELL!"
A BLONDE POLICE STOP
A blonde was speeding in a 35 mile per hour zone when a local police officer pulled her over and walked up to the car. The officer also happened to be a blonde and she asked for the blonde's driver's license.
The driver searched frantically in her purse for a while and finally said to the blonde policewoman, "What does a driver's license look like?"
Irritated, the blonde cop said, "You dummy, it's got your picture on it!"
The blonde driver frantically searched her purse again and found a small, rectangular mirror down at the bottom. She held it up to her face and said, "Aha! This must be my driver's license" and handed it to the blonde policewoman.
The blonde cop looked in the mirror, handed it back to the driver and said, "You're free to go. And, if I had known you were a police officer too, we could have avoided all of this."
Return To Sender
A police officer attempts to stop a car for speeding and the guy gradually increases his speed until he's topping 100 mph. He eventually realizes he can't escape and finally pulls over.
The cop approaches the car and says, "It's been a long day and my tour is almost over, so if you can give me a good excuse for your behavior, I'll let you go."
The guy thinks for a few seconds and then says, "My wife ran away with a cop about a week ago. I thought you might be that officer trying to give her back!"
Plain or Glazed
A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car.
After looking the man over he says, "Sir, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?"
The man gets really indignant and says, "Officer, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?"
(Groaner)
Can You Speak Up a Little
On a rural road a state trooper pulled this farmer over and said: "Sir, do you realize your wife fell out of the car several miles back?"
To which the farmer replied: "What a relief, I thought I had gone deaf!"
Ten Things To Say
When A Cop Pulls You Over
10. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
9. Hey, is that a 9mm? That's nothing compared to this 44 magnum.
8. You must have been doing 125 to keep up with me.....good job.
7. Sorry officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
6. I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
5. Wow, you look just like the guy in the picture on my girlfriends night stand.
4. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical shape to be a police officer.
3. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off of my lap and got lodged
between the brake and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.
2. Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds?
1. I was just trying to keep up with traffic!
Two Truckers
While driving along the back roads of a small town, two truckers came to an overpass with a sign that read CLEARANCE 11'3."
They got out and measured their rig, which was 12'4."
"What do you think?" one asked the other.
The driver looked around carefully, then shifted into first. "Not a cop in sight. Let's take a chance!"
Blonde Calls 911
A blonde phoned police to report that thieves had been in her car. "They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator," she cried out.
However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time and the same voice came over the line. "Never mind, I got in the back seat by mistake."
The Movies:
A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theater.
When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat."
The man groaned but didn't budge.
The usher became impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager."
Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager. In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success.
Finally, they summoned the police.
The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?"
"Sam," the man moaned.
"Where ya from, Sam?"
With pain in his voice Sam replied "... the balcony."
Got Stuck Huh?
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads "low bridge ahead." Before he knows it the bridge is right a head of him and he gets stuck under the bridge.
Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?"
The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."
Hello OKAYTOM,
Some great jokes here. It triggered a winter joke, but nothing about policemen. My husband told it to me last year, so hopefully I remember it okay.
Joanna is driving behind this man who seem's to be loosing his load. She pull's him over & say's hello, my name is Joanna & I'm from Florida & UR Loosing UR Load.
They continue on down the road again. Then She pull's him over, & say's hi I'm Joanna & I'm from Florida & UR Loosing UR Load.
Later, He pull's Joanna over & say's my name is John & I'm From Vermont Here & I'm salting the road's.
She reply's by saying Oh, ah that's why I can't see to far in front of me, I'm blonde.
K4J
HAHAHA! What fun! Thanks Tom and K4J!
HAHA - Sure do love these.....thanks.....