Christian Photographers Community

The border
   
Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He's got two large bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and says, "What's in the bags?"

"Sand," answers Juan.

The guard says,"We'll just see about that get off the bike."

The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand.

He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed,only to discover that there is nothing in the bags.

The guard releases Juan,puts the sand into new bags,hefts them onto the man's shoulders, and lets him cross the border.

A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What have you got?"

"Sand," says Juan.

The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand.He gives the sand back to Juan, who crosses the border on his bicycle.

This sequence of events is repeated every week for three years. Finally, Juan doesn't show up one day and the guard meets him in a cantina in Mexico.

"Hey, Buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about. I can't sleep.Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?"

Juan sips his beer and says, "Bicycles." 

The Parrot   
(A Thanksgiving classic)

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude and obnoxious. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot.

The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.

As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"

These are good!! 

       

Love the bike one best!

LOL

10 Features of The Company Car
   
-- Accelerates at a phenomenal rate.

-- Has a much shorter braking distance than the private car.

-- Can take speed humps at twice the speed of private cars.

-- The battery, radiator water, oil and tires never have to be checked.

-- It can be driven up to 60 miles with the oil warning light flashing.

-- It needs cleaning less often than private cars.

-- The suspension is reinforced to allow for the weekend loads of bricks, concrete slabs and other building material.

-- Unusual and alarming engine noises are easily eliminated by turning up the radio.

-- It needs no security system and may be left anywhere, unlocked and with the keys in the ignition.

-- It is especially sand and waterproof for barbeques and fishing expeditions on remote beaches.

Pat, that is a good one and obviously written by someone who has been in involved in a motor pool situation.  Many folks use their company provided cars in the manner described (at least some of it.)

Turkey Riddles    


What did the mother turkey say to her disobedient children?

If your father could see you now, he'd turn over in his gravy!

---

Why do Pilgrims have trouble keeping their pants up?

'Cause they wear their belts on their hats!

---

What is the Turkey's favorite black tie celebration?

The Butter Ball

---

What kind of music did Pilgrims listen to?

Plymouth Rock!

---

When is a turkey most like a ghost?

When it's a-gobblin'

The Mommy Test

I was out walking with my then 4 year old daughter.  She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth.  I asked her not to do that.

"Why?"

"Because it's been laying outside and it is dirty and probably has germs."

At this point, she looked at me with total admiration and asked, "Wow! How do you know all this stuff?"

Uh, I was thinking quickly, "...all moms knows this stuff.  Um, it's on the Mommy Test.  You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Mommy."

We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently
pondering this new information.

"OH...I get It!" she beamed,  "So if you flunk, you have to be the Daddy."

Many cute-n-funny jokes in riddles here.  I've heard the Parrot one before.  I like the one about the border. 

Funny how we suspect someone for something, but are oblivious to the thing that we ought to suspect someone for.

I was out on a beat with a Policeman one day & it was real neat observing his sharp eye's for speeders going down the highway.  And this was before they had the conveinance of radars!!

I know some young man who has a sharp eye & I tell him that he ought to be a Policeman.  I was in the small veggie store & he obsserved that my inspection tags had expried (in Vermont, they are tagged to behind the rear view mirror's in the window where the Policeman can see it & know if he should pull you over for it.  I told him thanks for being observant, I'll have to make an appointment to get my car inspected.  It was a few months after it had expired, so he told me that I was lucky that I didn't get pulled over.  I got the dame comment from the guy to whom I made an appointment with to replace the inspection.

K4J

Oh, my goodness!  A few months?  This past summer, the mechanic delivering my car got a ticket for $110.00 as my licence was out of date.  My birthday was June 10 and my car was off the road for 4 or 5 weeks due to a cracked cylinder head so I couldn't get the licence and it was over due for 2 weeks!  LOL

And mine is coming due.  I will have to take a day off work to deal with it.  Get the service done, emissions tested and buy my new sticker...and all before mid-December.

Flight Time    

A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, "Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?"

The agent replies, "Just a minute..."




"Thank you," the blonde says, and hangs up.

Ardee-arr-arr!!  LOL

K4J

US Identifies new fundamntalist threat

We have a new group to worry about:  At New York's Kennedy Airport today, an individual later discovered to be a public school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule, and a calculator. At a morning press conference, Attorney General John Ashcroft said he believes the man is a member of the notorious al-gebra movement.

He is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction. "Al-gebra is a fearsome cult," Ashcroft said. "They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value. They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'there are 3 sides to every triangle'."

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes."

  That one is really funny!

 ..."GROAN"!

"The Bible" has many numbers that mean something (if only ya study God's Holy Word),
vs "The Unknown's." 

I guess you can say that that is the opposite side of the coin here.  So, they must be a cult, LOL.

Kreative-N-Silly,
K4J

Here is my first contribution:

Subject:    The duck is dead
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, your pet has passed away."

The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?

"Yes, I'm sure. The duck is dead," he replied.

"How can you be so sure", she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog and took it out and returned a few moments later with a beautiful cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed the bird from its beak to its tail and back again. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly, jumped down and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." Then the vet turned to
his computer terminal, hit a few keys, and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried. "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead?!!"

The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20. But what with the Lab Report ...and the Cat Scan, it all adds up."

   I just loved that one!    But then again, I have a warped sense of humor!

Quote from: Carol on December 17, 2004, 09:31:42 AM
Here is my first contribution:

Subject:    The duck is dead
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, your pet has passed away."

The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?

"Yes, I'm sure. The duck is dead," he replied.

"How can you be so sure", she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog and took it out and returned a few moments later with a beautiful cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed the bird from its beak to its tail and back again. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly, jumped down and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." Then the vet turned to
his computer terminal, hit a few keys, and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried. "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead?!!"

The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20. But what with the Lab Report ...and the Cat Scan, it all adds up."

This was real good, I really liked it. 

K4J